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What is a parenting style?
Parenting styles refer to ways of raising children, and they are often informed by a society’s beliefs about children and their role in that society. For example, the phrase “children should be seen and not heard” reflects an attitude towards children that is now, thankfully, not that prevalent. Children’s voices and opinions are more valued than they were just a few decades ago, and the ways we parent children have changed a lot in a fairly short time too. Authoritarian parenting is becoming less common, and styles such as gentle, and attachment-based have been gaining popularity. This post will look at some of the most common parenting styles.
Authoritarian parenting
This strict parenting style was prevalent until the 1970s when new research into child development and the importance of fostering emotional connections started to change attitudes. Authoritarian parenting expected obedience from children, and misbehaviour was often punished. Rules had to be followed, and children were not involved in decision-making. Behaviourism was the prevalent child-development theory at the time, which focused on correcting unwanted behaviours without necessarily examining the root cause or offering alternatives. Behaviourism was concerned with rewarding and punishing certain behaviours, believing that behaviour is simply learnt. Emotions as internal motivations for behaviour were not considered.
Authoritative parenting
This parenting style is characterised by fostering independence and autonomy. In contrast to authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting is warm and supportive, children are more involved in decision-making, and emotional connections are valued. Clear guidelines and boundaries are still also present.
Permissive parenting
In permissive parenting, there is little room for boundary-setting and expectations. Emotional connections are highly valued and children are given a lot of warmth but little guidance. Children raised by permissive parents have a lot of freedom and autonomy, they are rarely told ‘no’. The downside is that these children might struggle with authority and rules they will most definitely come across in life.
Gentle parenting
Gentle parenting is often misunderstood or gets confused with permissive parenting. The reason behind this might be the word ‘gentle’ which can lead one to believe that this parenting style is about wrapping children in cotton wool or never saying ‘no’. Gentle parenting is about loving, but clear boundaries, emotional intelligence, empathy and self-regulation. Desired behaviour is modelled by the parent. Being self-aware, able to recognise and communicate feelings and understanding how behaviour affects others are valued. Feelings are respected and children are allowed to feel emotions, they are not told to ‘keep it in’ or that ‘big boys don’t cry’. Gentle parenting is hard work, it requires a lot of patience and consistency. Most of us were not raised this way, therefore we tend to slip out of this parenting style in stressful moments and repeat patterns more familiar to us, thus parenting how we were parented. This can lead to feelings of guilt and potential slipping into permissive parenting to compensate. A lot of self-awareness is needed for gentle parenting but the rewards are amazing. Followers of this parenting style recognise that children’s brains are not fully developed and their ‘toolbox’ needs filling up. Negative behaviour is not punished but redirected, and examined for its causes and children are given alternative ways, better ‘tools’ for self-expression.
Resources
Two of my favourite books on parenting are No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson, and
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry
Regardless of which parenting style you prescribe to, you might come across challenges when it comes to your child’s sleep. Whether it is routines, naps, night weaning or bed-time battles you are dealing with, a sleep consultant cam offer guidance and suport. Please check out my website to find out more!
Julia Máté Baby and Child Sleep Consultant
